Reflective Listening: The Missing Link in Communication
I don’t know about you, but I’ve found that really listening, like, deep, focused, undistracted, fully-present listening, is surprisingly rare. We all think we’re listening. But if we’re honest? Most of the time, we’re already formulating a response, waiting for our turn to talk.
And yet, in a world where misunderstandings, misalignment, and miscommunication run rampant, what if the most powerful thing we could do wasn’t to fix, advise, or problem-solve, but to truly listen?
That’s what reflective listening is all about. It’s about being with someone in their experience, helping them make sense of where they are before rushing to where they should go next.
Why we struggle to listen reflectively
You know that moment when someone shares a problem, and your brain immediately jumps to a solution? Yeah, me too. It feels productive, right? Maybe even helpful? But here’s what I’ve learned: people don’t always need solutions first.
More often, they need:
someone to witness what they’re experiencing
space to process their thoughts and emotions
a moment to be before being rushed into action
I learned this the hard way in one of my early coaching experiences. The exercise was simple: just listen. No fixing. No advising. Just reflect back on what I heard.
And you know what? Even us coaches struggle. We want to move people forward. But sometimes, what people need most is the space to sit with where they are.
The challenge is—we haven’t been trained to listen this way.
We’re taught to respond, not reflect.
We’re rewarded for contributing, not for holding space.
We value efficiency over presence.
No wonder so many conversations leave people feeling unheard, unseen, or misunderstood.
What reflective listening actually looks like
So, what makes reflective listening different? How do we do it well? Here’s the heart of it:
Reflect back, not forward. Instead of pushing someone to the next step, reflect what they just shared: “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated with how that conversation went.”
Mirror energy, not just words. Pay attention to tone, body language, and emotion. If their voice softens when they talk about a difficult moment, reflect on that: “I noticed your voice got quieter when you mentioned your boss’s feedback. What’s happening there?”
Make space for pauses. Silence is uncomfortable, but powerful. Let there be moments of stillness for thoughts to unfold.
Stay curious. Instead of moving someone out of their experience, stay with them: “That sounds really tough. What’s been the hardest part for you?”
This changes everything (seriously, everything)
When I first started practicing reflective listening, it felt so counterintuitive. I wanted to jump in, ask questions, and help. But something unexpected happened: when I simply reflected back what I heard, the person I was listening to started hearing themselves more clearly.
In coaching? It creates real breakthroughs.
In leadership? It builds trust and psychological safety.
In relationships? It strengthens connection in a way advice never could.
People don’t need us to direct them as much as they need us to be with them. That’s where the magic happens.
Try this challenge
Alright, I know what you’re thinking: This sounds great, but how do I actually do it? Give this a try:
The "Three-Minute Reflection" exercise
Find a friend, partner, or colleague and ask, “What’s something that’s been on your mind lately?”
Let them talk uninterrupted for three minutes. No interjecting, no advice—just listen.
Reflect back what you heard. Not just the words, but the feelings and energy underneath. Try, “Here’s what I’m hearing… does that feel true to you?”
Ask them how it landed. This is key! Try, “How does hearing that reflection feel for you?”
The first time I did this exercise in a facilitator training, I was stunned. Not because the other person told me something new, but because for the first time, I actually heard myself.
I invite you to try it. I have a feeling you’ll experience what I did: the missing link in communication isn’t talking better, it’s listening differently.
I’d love to hear what you think. Connect with me and let’s explore this together.
Further Reading
If you’re interested in exploring this topic more deeply, consider checking out the following articles:
How To Practice Reflective Listening - I love how this article breaks down reflective listening into simple, actionable steps. It’s a great go-to if you’re looking for real-world examples to help you listen in a way that makes people feel truly heard.
How to Become a Better Listener - This is great because it goes beyond the basics, showing how deep listening strengthens relationships and decision-making. It also challenges common habits—like thinking we’re good listeners when we’re really just waiting to talk.